I just don't get it

 

The 35mm slide photos I took in Vietnam have been in their boxes untouched for 50 years.  I decided it was time to have a look at them.  Not good.  I lasted about a minute before we decided to slip them back in their boxes and put them away.

 

I just don’t get it.  I had some difficult times in Vietnam, but nothing specific that I’m aware of, that would trigger the reaction I get any time I think about or try to talk about my experiences.  I’m surprised that I’m so sensitive about it now.  We all have sadness somewhere in our lives.  We all have to deal with it.  It frustrates me that I need to keep this so far away.

 

Maybe it’s not so much about what happened or didn’t happen.  We were not in nonstop combat.  There were times we weren’t *supposed* to be in the line of fire.  But it was such a head-game to get through every day and night; to be ready for violence at any moment; maybe living the year of anticipation took its toll; left its mark.  Maybe it wasn’t the violence as much as the readiness for violence; the certainty of violence.

 

I’ve made efforts to talk about that year.  Generally, I don’t get very far before I suddenly realize there is something in the other room demanding my immediate attention.  Maybe it’s time to stop and deal with it.  I could man-up and quit pushing it away.  I could face it head-on; push through these silly human emotions and talk until there is nothing else to say.

 

Or maybe I’ll just wait another 50 years before I try looking at the slides again.