…has come and gone.
I told the tech I was planning on winning this contest as soon as I figured out what the rules were. He said the standing record was a half-gallon of barium. I think he was lying about the record, but I decided not to try to break the quantity record anyway.
Swallowing barium *was* a little gross. It’s heavy and viscous. I swallowed it standing in front of a screen while the fluoroscope mechanism buzzed all up and down in front of me like a curious heavy-metal obsessed bumblebee, following the barium as it made its way from my head to my gut. Dose after dose, then they announced they wanted the rest of the images with *air*. They handed me a fizzing glass of Alka-Seltzer to drink, except this Alka-Seltzer was on steroids (or maybe powered by barium). It didn’t stop fizzing as it made its way all the way down. Then they told me to try not to burp for the rest of the testing and gave me more barium to swallow. We finished up with me lying flat on a table, bumblebee buzzing overhead, while I drank more through a straw.
Can I call that a win; that I didn’t burp until after? I doubt that’s a record. I did manage a win of sorts though. When the tech was finished and we were chatting our way to the door, he told me I was the first person ever to ask if he could finish off the leftovers. I declared victory and left. I’ll take what I can get.
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