I see the Border Wall directly south of us and I feel so safe. Those Mexican aren’t coming across our border to sell us guns and drugs and steal our jobs! But then I look north; and wonder about Canada. Where is our Northern Border Wall? What’s to stop those Canadians from selling us guns and drugs and stealing our jobs?
Well, it didn’t take much research on the internet to discover that I’m not alone in my unfounded fears. Consider these facts:
Ninety percent of population is massed within 100 miles of northern American border.
Seems not to mind that one of its provinces has turned almost entirely French.
Excessive politeness only makes sense as cover for something truly sinister. But what?
Citizens seem strangely impervious to cold.
Decriminalization of marijuana and acceptance of gay marriage without corresponding collapse of social institutions indicate Canada may, in fact, be indestructible.
Has infiltrated entertainment industry with singers, actors, and comedians practically indistinguishable from their American counterparts.
Consistently stays just below cultural radar yet never quite disappears.
Parliamentary government and common-law judiciary appear to function acceptably yet remain completely inscrutable.
Never had a “disco phase.”
Seemingly endless supply of timber, donuts, and Scotch-plaid hats with earflaps.
Keeps insisting it “has no designs on America” and “only wants peace.”
And if all that isn’t enough to strike fear into our hearts, what about people from Canada that aren’t even really *from* Canada. Our German friends from Canada, the Germadians, who could even imagine what *they* might be up to?
Oh, how am I ever going to get to sleep tonight?
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